Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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