I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
