I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
