I think my fart just growled at me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
