He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
