Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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