Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
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I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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