Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
