I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
