This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
