so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
