I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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