I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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