I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
