Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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