All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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