I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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