Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
