On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
