i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
