sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
