Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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