Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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