his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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