Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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