I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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