Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
