Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
