Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
