I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
