Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
