woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
