I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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