YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
