Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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