So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
