:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
