I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
