My sheets look like a crime scene.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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