Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
