When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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