a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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