Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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