I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
