What did we do last night that was yellow?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
