matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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