I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
