I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
