he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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