I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
