Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
