I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
