I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
They have beer where we have blood.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
