You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
