Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
