if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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