I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
