At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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