I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
should my penis look like a turkey
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
